Rose Rant: Season Premiere

It's baccckkkkkkk!

 The Bachelorette is back :) 

I was thinking about not watching this season, as I was still burnt out from Bachelor Ben and Crazy Courtney's season, but who am I kidding, I'm not NOT going to watch. And according to Chris Harrison, this season will be different than anything we've seen before (just like last season was different and the one before that, and the one before that....)

So, for those of you who don't know anything about The Bachelorette this season here is a little summary of what we know about her.

via ABC: Bachelorette

EMILY

 She is a single mom to Ricki, and has been engaged twice. Both times ending in heartbreak. Her first fiance and the father of her child was a race car driver who was killed in a plane crash. Her second engagement and eventual break up was played out on television, commentated by the one and only, ageless Chris Harrison. 

She uses the phrase "put on your big girl panties". Enough said. 

Girlfriend has SO MUCH MAKE UP! Did you see her dressing table??  and she wears so much too. 

She look like a bunny, one of Hef's bunnies. I do not mean that as an insult, she just looks like the cookie cutter blondes he usually has hanging around. 

Her daughter is so adorable. And if this season is like any of the last seasons of this show, I hope her daughter never sees any of the footage.

And she is "stunning", "beautiful", "breathtaking", "gorgeous" as all of her suitors would say. (I am pretty sure all of them used one or more those words to describe her.)  

But, her face is almost frozen (I hope by fear and not by Botox) and her dress looks like a figure skating outfit, but longer.

via buddyTV

Now, on to what we all really care about, the men. 

One of the reasons I love the Bachelorette over the Bachelor is because the guys. And not just for their looks! It shows you this strange side of guys, where they engage in fierce lady drama and get catty, all while still portraying some of their basic caveman instincts like chest beating and peacocking(helicopter entrance? moon walking dance up, skateboarding, etc) 

Here are some highlights of the guys we met tonight: (mostly the memorable ones or the ones who will be front runners, there are so many the first night!)

Kalon aka Helicopter Guy: He is a "luxury brand consultant", he is attractive-ish, seems like a self absorbed d-bag covering up that personality with a "changed man" attitude. He even says he was obnoxious but has changed.. and I totally believe him, especially after he came in on a helicopter. But he "would walk to meet Emily if he had to"....righhhttt. The helicopter entrance was Lindzi's horse entrance on steroids. And if his goal was to totally alienate and piss off all the guys in the house that walked up, mission accomplished pal. But he hit it off with Emily, and he was raised by a single mom, so appreciates what she does and how hard she works.

Tony: He is a dad, handsome, but he made a "who has two thumbs..." joke. And he brought her a tacky clear plastic stripper heel  glass slipper a la Cinderella/Prince Charming.

Singer/Songwriter David: Fame hungry much? 

The Black Guy: It is no secret that Bachelor/Bachelorette has been all white. Enter token black dude. 

Brain Injury: Cute dog. Cute guy. Corny line. "My head may be injured, but my heart is not!" And his suit was terribly wrinkled all night.

Jef:  Cute, hipster hair, CEO of a charitable company, skateboards, kind of seems like a cocky punk, but judging on Emily's interaction with him, I would say he has potential to be in the front runners. 

Arie: He is racecar driver...nice move ABC, way to try and stir the pot with a potential issue. Too bad he was honest about it up front, that could have made for some interesting "Emily, one of the guys in the house has a secret" drama  later in the season! But since ABC did not jump on that opportunity, I imagine they have bigger schemes in store. Oh ABC, you are so tricky! 

Doug: It seemed like he legitimately had chemistry with her upon first arrival, once they got past the initial awkward intro, they flowed right into conversation that sounded easy and not forced. He ended up getting the First Impression rose, with a little help from a cute note from his son. I am glad he got the first impression rose, they seemed to really connect and have some common ground.

Jackson/Pink Tie: Really, seriously? Down on one knee, cliched phrase about life. Hot pink tie. You could tell by her reaction to his intro, she was not interested and unfortunately she missed out on his bod, which he proceeded to show to the exit cameras. He was pretty ripped but so are almost all the guys in the house. 

Joe: A less attractive Matthew McConaughey wanna-be. 

Chris: When they met, he did one of those weird bro-handshake-hugs. 

Aaron: Used a dumb pick up line and he kissed her hand. 

The Brazilian: He had botox, or a bad facelift or just a bad face. 

Mr. Moonwalk:  A DJ/Party emcee. Kinda seemed like a Jersey Shore reject. 

Crossdressing as a Grandma to introduce yourself guy: I think I have said enough. 

Brent: Reminded me of a chubby Steve Carrell. 

Wolf: Let's be real John, you call yourself Wolf. No one actually calls you that, you are a one man Wolf pack. 

Egg dude: He carried around and stated he is going to take care of an egg because it represents her and Ricki. Creepy and weird. His suit and shirt were ridiculous as well. 

Music Mike: At first I thought one of the Hanson brothers was a participant. But no just a long haired musician. 

Mushroom Farmer: I though maybe he didn't speak English at all. Then in the middle of their strained Spanish conversation, he says in perfect English that he is from San Fran. 

I know I am missing some of the guys, but their entrance wasn't memorable, they weren't good looking and they probably won't make it too far.  

The final guys that made it past the first rose ceremony are: 

Doug (first impression rose)

Ryan (ex NFLer, cute, forgot about him)

Helicopter Guy

Arie

Brain injury

Jef 

Nate (who?)

Sean (who?)

Joe 

Kyle (who?)
Aaron 

Mushroom Farmer
Wolf
Botox Brazilian
Music Mike
Mr. Moonwalk
Tony

Egg Dude

After the rejects left, they toasted and then we saw previews for what was coming up this season: Lots of awkward kisses, drama (duh) and some flying f-bombs from Emily! 

Who is ready for next week?! 

via ABC: Bachelorette